You
may be out of your league when…

Your
paddling buddies ask “Just curious, but where did you put your
car keys?” or “Do you want me to hold your keys?”

You
feel the irresistible urge to tighten your helmet strap when looking
at the upcoming section of the river.

You
see your buddies playing rock-paper-scissors for your gear.

Spectators
nudge one-another when they see the terrible line that you’re
taking.

Spectators
applaud when you finally drag your waterlogged body onto the shore.

Your
mouth is too dry to spit above the upcoming hole, or

You
can spit to show that you’re not afraid, but then you

need
to take a drink to re-moisten your mouth.

You
feel the urge to take a last minute dash to the port-apotty.


You
find yourself thinking of all the things that you still want to do in
life.

You
begin thinking about lemmings jumping off a cliff together.

You
write “Please Turn Over” on the bottom of your boat.

Your
dry suit becomes a wet suit, and you’re still upright.

You
gotta take a leak three times in a row — BEFORE running the rapid.

You
meet shaky, white-faced survivors returning from the bank scout
trail.

Another
party’s trip leader points you out and proclaims, “See that guy,
that’s exactly what I was talking about — don’t…”

Other
boaters start humming the theme from Deliverance as you make your
move!

People
begin to recognize you by the bottom or your boat.

(For
guys) Your external organs become internal.

You
forget to paddle…. just sit there with your paddle over your head
and slobber.

You
take a bad line above a hole and the locals begin cheering as you
drop in.

For
Christmas, your spouse takes out a 1 year $500,000 term policy on
your life — w/ double indemnity for accidental drowning.

Everyone
gets their cameras out when they see you getting into your boat.

You
pull into an eddy and you see one of your mentors who looks at you
and says, “Holy cow,

what
are you doing here?”

People
pull out throw bags, cell phones and first aid kits as you head for
the rapids.

Your
insurance company cancels you..

More
than 2 people with video cameras follow you.

Your
kids inquire about your will before you leave on the trip.

People
at work ask you to show them where you put your data.

You
get a letter from your boat’s manufacturer asking you to switch
brands.

Timex
puts a watch on your helmet and a camera on your bow, pointed at your
head. (Takes a licking….)

Your
doctor recommends a weekly MRI of your brain.

You
get sponsorship from medical supply companies.

Your
HMO declares Chapter 11; blames you.

In
the middle of your run, you realize that everybody in your group has
set up safety.

In
order to avoid paddling with you, your friends resort to staging
their own abduction.

Your
bow passes over the horizon line and you still can’t see the landing
pad.

You
paddle like a bit player in a Star Trek landing party.


Next


From the Conewago (PA) Canoe Club web page.

Published
in The Eddy Line, July 2003