GA Canoe - Kayak Paddlers

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You May Be Out Of Your League When...

You may be out of your league when...

Your paddling buddies ask "Just curious, but where did you put your car keys?" or "Do you want me to hold your keys?"

You feel the irresistible urge to tighten your helmet strap when looking at the upcoming section of the river.

You see your buddies playing rock-paper-scissors for your gear.

Spectators nudge one-another when they see the terrible line that you're taking.

Spectators applaud when you finally drag your waterlogged body onto the shore.

Your mouth is too dry to spit above the upcoming hole, or

You can spit to show that you're not afraid, but then you

need to take a drink to re-moisten your mouth.

You feel the urge to take a last minute dash to the port-apotty.

You find yourself thinking of all the things that you still want to do in life.

You begin thinking about lemmings jumping off a cliff together.

You write "Please Turn Over" on the bottom of your boat.

Your dry suit becomes a wet suit, and you're still upright.

You gotta take a leak three times in a row — BEFORE running the rapid.

You meet shaky, white-faced survivors returning from the bank scout trail.

Another party's trip leader points you out and proclaims, "See that guy, that's exactly what I was talking about — don't..."

Other boaters start humming the theme from Deliverance as you make your move!

People begin to recognize you by the bottom or your boat.

(For guys) Your external organs become internal.

You forget to paddle.... just sit there with your paddle over your head and slobber.

You take a bad line above a hole and the locals begin cheering as you drop in.

For Christmas, your spouse takes out a 1 year $500,000 term policy on your life — w/ double indemnity for accidental drowning.

Everyone gets their cameras out when they see you getting into your boat.

You pull into an eddy and you see one of your mentors who looks at you and says, "Holy cow,

what are you doing here?"

People pull out throw bags, cell phones and first aid kits as you head for the rapids.

Your insurance company cancels you..

More than 2 people with video cameras follow you.

Your kids inquire about your will before you leave on the trip.

People at work ask you to show them where you put your data.

You get a letter from your boat's manufacturer asking you to switch brands.

Timex puts a watch on your helmet and a camera on your bow, pointed at your head. (Takes a licking....)

Your doctor recommends a weekly MRI of your brain.

You get sponsorship from medical supply companies.

Your HMO declares Chapter 11; blames you.

In the middle of your run, you realize that everybody in your group has set up safety.

In order to avoid paddling with you, your friends resort to staging their own abduction.

Your bow passes over the horizon line and you still can't see the landing pad.

You paddle like a bit player in a Star Trek landing party.

- From the Conewago (PA) Canoe Club web page.

Published in The Eddy Line, July 2003

Prison vs. Work vs. Kayaking

IN PRISON — you spend the majority of your time in an8x10 cell.

AT WORK — you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN A KAYAK — you spend most of your time in a 6x1 boat.

IN PRISON — you get three meals a day.

AT WORK — you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN A KAYAK — you survive on gorp, powerbars, and instant lentils.

IN PRISON — you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK — you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN A KAYAK — your reward for good behavior is the rocks quit hitting you on the head.

IN PRISON — a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK — you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN A KAYAK — you must keep your grab loop outside the skirt in order to open the door.

IN PRISON — you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK — you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN A KAYAK — you fire the TV and life becomes a game.

IN PRISON — you get your own toilet.

AT WORK — you have to share.

IN A KAYAK — you just pee in your wet suit. If you're like me you do this above a class IV.

IN PRISON — they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK — you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN A KAYAK — your family can't find you and your friends can't hear you over the river.

IN PRISON — all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK — you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN A KAYAK — you pay your expenses by working the month that the river is down.

IN PRISON — you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK — you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN A KAYAK — you don't need to go to bars; rafters are more than willing to toss you a Bud.

IN PRISON — you are warm and dry.

AT WORK — you get wet and cold before getting warm and dry again.

IN A KAYAK — well... you will be wet and cold.

IN PRISON — there are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK — they are called managers.

IN A KAYAK — they are called rapids.

- From a posting to the Merrimac Valley Paddlers email list

Reprinted in The Eddy Line, May 2006

Last Updated ( Friday, 16 October 2009 07:59 )

Trebuchet Challenge

If you consider the possibility of a band of rednecks using a trebuchet to defend their river and use a lot of imagination this still isn't paddling related.

It is a great way to waste some time though! Click the link below.

Trebuchet!!!

You Might Be Obsessed About Paddling If....

1. You can't cross a bridge without slowing down or stopping .

2. You take a trip to Niagara Falls and find yourself picking out lines.

3. You've lost count of the number of boats you have in your garage and backyard.

4. You sign up for a TV cable company only after checking out the quality of their weather channel.

5. You get excited instead of worried when you hear about tornado warnings and flash floods.

6. You've gone boating in conditions where you normally wouldn't go outside.

7. You find yourself picking lines when watching movies, like say, "The African Queen".

8. You've been known to "dry scout" creeks, picking out lines and eddies (the neighbors think you're nuts).

9. All career, personal, and financial decisions are judged by the criteria "How will this increase my paddling time?"

10. Your friends call you a "gear head" and you don't understand what they mean.

11. You’ve toyed with the idea of just leaving your boat and gear loaded on your vehicle.

12. You see locals like the guys in "Deliverance", and they seem normal to you.

13. Your paddling apparel cost more than your best suit, including the shoes.

14. When the weather radio goes off at work, you start thinking of reasons you "don’t feel so well."

15. Your boat and gear costs more than your car.

16. When you hear about a guy in a skirt you think nothing of it.

17. The waterproof packaging your food comes in is more important than the food itself.

18. When you go shopping, Gortex stock goes up.

19. You can buy that new boat with your REI rebate check.

20. When the TV cameraman films the "crazies" kayaking the flooded creeks; you know all their names (and you wish you were out there with them.)

21. You prefer to sacrifice the bare skin of your face and hands to protect your dry suit from briars, thorns, or other puncture threats.

From The Eddy Line June 1998

Last Updated ( Wednesday, 04 November 2009 15:11 )

Flint River "Trip Report"

by Moncrief P. Schinsnauzer — Dissociative Press— Granny's Gap, Ga. — August 6-7, 2005. They Stole My Paddles
"It was one of the most depraved exhibitions of hostility I have ever witnessed," said new GCA member,. Moncrief P. Schinsnauzer, of an incident which occurred at the outset of the recent Flint River excursion.
"The two of them fought like enraged hyenas over a water jug filled with reeking gelatinous mold, oblivious to the gang of feral teenage sociopaths, who they later claimed made off with their gear. The woman went into a ferocious snit that I can only describe as pure evil as the paddles were discovered to be missing at the put-in. She pulled a gun and demanded paddles from us. I was frightened."
Nadir of Decadence On August 6, 2005, notorious self-unemployed shoal bums John and Betty (more than likely flagrant pseudonyms) were at it again. Posing as legitimate canoeists they conned unsuspecting GCA Vice President Vincent Payne. Having no inkling of the inevitable course of events to follow, Mr. Payne allowed the usurpers a place with his outfit of sober, sane and inoffensive recreational boaters. Trouble began almost immediately. John hid near the liquor store until the boats were loaded. Betty vehemently denounced all present when she had to untie a previously well stowed couch to facilitate a frantic last second search for a misplaced Professional Gourmet Model Conflagration #3 electric range. This is when the irreversible downward spiral began in earnest. Betty, looking for the electric stove, found in the water jug a thriving slime mold colony. She then in a maelstrom of obscenity somewhat eloquently berated John.In retaliation for the verbal ambuscade, John threw the paddles in a dumpster with malevolent glee, blaming it on the aforementioned eccentrically dressed adolescents.Learning at the boat ramp the paddles had gone missing, Betty produced an assault rifle from her pocket book, ordering the meek and defenseless Karen to "cough up the oars."

       According to Moncrief P. Schinsnauzer, this is the point at which he walked to the Riverside Inn for a quick beer. The GCA floaters were so stricken with fear that upon embarking they had a snack. The others in the water, John stole several items from the bed of an apparently abandoned 1980 Datsun pick up. Among them were a broom and a brand new plunger. Schinsnauzer returned with several erudite Riverside Inn patrons at this time in a failed bid to apprehend the despicable duo. It was too late. They had escaped down river. John was overheard to say to Betty, "Oh, my celestial beauty, would you prefer to propel us with the broom or the plumber's friend?"
   I'd Know Them Anywhere Mortimer Quentin Findleswitch Blowbladder, eccentric herpetologist, long time Merriwether County resident and occasional day laborer, was releasing salt water crocodiles into the river that peaceful August Saturday morning to "give the tourists a charge" when he saw some canoes float by. "I didn't pay 'em no mind but right behind that first bunch of nice lookin' folks a white headed old man was floppin' like a gut shot eel on a bed o' hot coals. He had a broom churnin' the water and that pore lady was a' tryin' to git the commode unstopped. They looked bad suspicious. Like a steam boiler explosion 'bout to happen and a rusty number ten wash tub all co-mixed. I'd recognize 'em any where. I ain't seen nothing to beat it since Harry Hopkins had Uncle Calvin haul a thousand gallon still down to the Cove on a boat made out of heart pine logs and a model A ford engine back in '33. It sank."
      Blowbladder, 92, of Chalybeate Springs, also says that the pair bought four water moccasins from him and enquired about the purchase of some cone nosed kissing bugs for the purpose of creating conversation around the camp. Blowbladder readily admits selling the venomous reptiles but denies illicit bug trading on the grounds that he is not an etymologist. "I'm a herp. Maybe I got snakes in the head but them bugs make me nervous."
    Couple Wreak Havoc at Camp Site "Those two were already here. I don't know how they arrived here before us," Jean, a kayaker of international renown, sighed wearily. "Glass littered the ground all around our truck. The windows were shattered. John said he thought that someone may have broken the windows in search of rum or fishing line to tie out some snakes. Betty snarled from the cab that the ignition lock prevented her from hot wiring the truck. She asked me for a large slide hammer. Their behavior was quite a shock to me. I went fishing."
      "We made a superhuman effort to ignore them," an anguished Dave related. "They hovered around our cooking fire like buzzards, smoking cigars, swilling something that smelled like acetone, and drooling over our crepe suzettes and quiche." In an affidavit later made to the authorities, Dave stated that he made known his wish to use the out house. "I was mocked. Both of them made rude comments, saying that I was required to first pray to a River Spirit for some incomprehensible sort of precision earth quakes and lightning strikes in order to put the creeks right, also to bring back to life Edward Abbey and Brainard Cheney. The most horrific thing was the banner they had hung from the privy. It depicted a nude woman covered with snakes riding an alligator and had a slogan, 'More Beyond'. Weeks of counseling and I still have nightmares."
       The Ordeal Finally Ends"When we awoke the next morning they were gone," stated Vince, "With our boats. The Evil River Twins set off before dawn into a howling hail storm on a flooding river." An overnight series of storms had caused the normally placid Flint to metamorphose into a raging torrent. It crested late on the seventh at 900,000 CFS. The National Weather Service termed the event an anomaly of staggering proportions. "At least we didn't capsize or lose any fishing poles," the universally esteemed Vice-President philosophized.
       At press time both shoal bums, Johnny Flush and Badswim Betty were at large. They have been known to frequent boat ramps, fish camps and swamps of ill repute. They should be considered extremely weird.

(Note from Vincent: I had to include this “trip report” on the web site because it is so uniquely weird. As David B. said, “unfortunately the only thing John got right was our names. “.

Last Updated ( Tuesday, 13 January 2009 22:06 )

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